I regularly get compliments on my looks, from both men and women. Usually the people giving the compliments assume that it must be easy for me to get women, because I'm so "good looking". It's hard for them to imagine that this is not the case. And in fact, it is not the case. Most times women will give me a second look but that's where it usually ends, and things progress no further.

Now, to be honest, there are times when my looks will help, and women will make it very easy for me to have sex with them as a result. But there are also quite a few times when women will have their guard up as a result of my looks. They practically assume I'm a slick player who will "pick them up" if they're not careful. So up goes the shield. Most guys won't know what I'm talking about here since most guys don't set off the bitch shield just by their looks alone. So in a way I'm in a unique position. I get to observe how much good looks help, and don't help. And my conclusion is that good looks are a double-edged sword. They can help but also hurt, as proven by the fact that I don't hook up nearly as much as many people seem to think.

The Real Obstacle Men Face

The problem as I see it, is this:

Many women look at me and assume that I am getting a lot of girls, and they feel threatened by that, so their natural reaction is to avoid me. But ironically, if all women were to think this way I would never hook up. Fortunately, not all women think this way. But many do, and the result is that many women avoid me.

The only group of women I hook up with are the ones who don't care who else I might be fucking. This is the cream of the crop of women (relatively speaking), since they are the most confident, intelligent women who are not possessive and have no agendas.

In some ways I feel that my looks have given me a unique vantage point on female behaviour. Since so many people assume you need looks to get girls, I am proof that this is not the case. Furthermore, I know that lack of attraction is not the main issue guys are up against in the online dating world. If it were I would be getting laid like a rock star. And the fact that I am not means that the obstacles men are facing are mostly related to personality issues women have, and not how attractive women find them. Many (most) women in this part of the world have psychological and social issues, which prevent them from meeting men on a healthy level. Being good looking does not erase this fact, and can sometimes aggravate it, as I explained already.

When Attraction Becomes Sabotage

This becomes most evident when I see that a girl is attracted to me (smiling at me, giving me signals, etc.) and when I make a move the walls come up. This tells me that attraction was not a choice, and that she couldn't help but show it, but when it came time to do something about it, she sabotaged her efforts due to her own personal issues; such as psychological problems, insecurities, timid-ness, etc. Some will think I'm full of shit, and that the girls aren't attracted and I'm seeing things that aren't there. And yet, this has happened to me many times in the past, with great consistency. So in other words, I was there and you weren't.

Here's something else to think about. If you're a woman, chances are you see attractive guys wherever you go. Why is it so hard to believe that one of those guys could have an opinion the same as mine?

Lastly, imagine a situation where you see a good looking guy, and you tell yourself that, although he's hot, you'd best avoid him, since chances are he's already getting lots of girls and you would be another "notch" for him. Now imagine if all girls were to think this way. What do you think would happen then? It isn't hard to comprehend that this guy would never hook up. It's the ultimate irony.

Embrace Who You Are

Remember, things aren't always as they seem.

Personally, I have found the solution is for me to embrace the guy that women think I am, just because it's who I want to be anyway --- you know, the guy who sees different women; the guy who is a player. Any attempt to hide this is useless anyway, as it just means more work on my part and more bullshit. So ladies, what you see is what you get. If you can't deal with it, then step out of the way and make room for the women who can.

I can’t really pinpoint when I realized that super hot guys don’t do it for me — but I think it was somewhere in the calamitous landscape of my mid-20s. Up until then, much like every other red-blooded female, I was drawn to traditionally attractive men — chiseled features, dark hair, blue eyes.

You know, the usual hot guy stuff.

I was a sucker for the first guy who fit the bill. He was, of course, a player. And I knew it! But it didn’t matter because holy crap, he was gorgeous. All he had to do was look me in the eye, tuck a stray hair behind my ear and all would be forgiven, such is the magic of beauty.

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Somewhere along the way though, I figured it out. I realized that, generally speaking, super-attractive men have a certain attitude that turns me off. It’s barely even their fault. It just comes with the territory of being universally admired all the time. There is an unattractive awareness of their attractiveness. You follow?

I’ve dated and been friends with some really beautiful men and, in my humble experience, when a man has been generously gifted in the looks department he is decidedly less so in the personality department. I can only surmise that it must be that attractive people have to work less hard in life to make things happen? I’ve found that quirky, less-traditionally attractive men work harder, are smarter and are almost always funnier and, these days, a sense of humor is at the top of my list. If you can make me laugh, you’re golden.

I think Jana Pollock is onto something when she talks about “ugly hot dudes” on Portable:

“An ugly hot guy may not be considered “hot” by conventional standards; we’re not talking about Brad Pitt here. These men have never been described as heartthrobs. What they possess is something deeper and more compelling; their “hotness” is derived from the vibes they give off. Sexy vibes.”

Fact: Men who are different-looking or have weirdish features make me weak in the knees. Because that weirdishness is usually accompanied by aforementioned sexy vibes and a killer personality.

Think Adrien Brody, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, James Gandolfini, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti, Sean Penn, Giovanni Ribisi, Jack Black, Seth Rogan, Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld, Benicio Del Toro or even, dare I say, Steve Buscemi.

Hot guys can be sexy too, you’re saying. Sure. They can. George Clooney seems smart and funny. Maybe he is one of the rare attractive men who has managed to transcend his attractiveness and has rendered it moot because he truly doesn’t care. But I doubt it. I’m not blaming, mind you. I’m simply saying it would be tough to negotiate life as a beautiful person and not have it leave its mark on your personality in one way or the other.

Without question, the sexiest men I’ve come across in my 38 years are always the quirky ones. Men whose faces are filled with character. Sad eyes, lines, scars, different, offbeat features. I like prominent noses, for example; helllloooo Adrien Brody. These strange-ish magnetic men who have an innate understanding of their strengths and weaknesses, have never relied on their looks to get by and, in fact, have felt as if they need to compensate for perceived flaws and are therefore smarter and funnier than anyone else around.

Now that I’m a nearing my 40s, and am far more discerning about whom I choose to spend time with I stare right through the attractive men. So hey, you there. Guy in the corner who probably never looked in a mirror and felt satisfied with your appearance. Yeah, you. Come over here. I wanna talk to you. I wanna hear your stories. I want to make you laugh.

And if you can make me laugh … Well then, who knows what’s next.